Classic Jokes

Quick Thinking…

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up, he said: “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

*** *** ***

A young blond woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”  Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”  Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, “Are you a natural blond?” “Why, yes,” she said. “I thought so,” said the doctor, “You have a broken finger.”

*** *** ***

There are three blonds stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blond asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

*** *** ***

“Stay!”

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blond, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

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