Classic Jokes

Quick Thinking…

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up, he said: “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

*** *** ***

A young blond woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”  Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”  Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, “Are you a natural blond?” “Why, yes,” she said. “I thought so,” said the doctor, “You have a broken finger.”

*** *** ***

There are three blonds stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blond asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

*** *** ***


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blond, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

In a Manor of Speaking

Dijon vu – Having the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating – always use condiments

Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired

What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it

Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under

Every calendar’s days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses

Acupuncture is a jab well done

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Two Hunters

I did not write this, but I think that it is very funny. 

A man buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 that comes complete with 4-wheel drive, and monthly payments of $560. It is the first weekend in January and all the lakes are frozen so he and a friend decide to take it on a duck hunting expedition. These two guys drive out onto the lake ice with guns, their hunting dog, some beer, and of course the new Lincoln Navigator.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something on which the decoys will float. They want to make a hole in the ice and in order to make a hole large enough to entice something like a wandering duck; it is going to take a little more than a standard ice hole drill can provide. The owner of the new Navigator reaches in the back of his car and produces a stick of dynamite with that has a 40-second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Navigator) are located. They did not want to take the risk of slipping on the ice running from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember earlier when I mentioned a 4-wheel drive vehicle, a beer, some guns, and a dog? Great, then let’s focus on the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING THINGS–especially things thrown by its owner.

You probably already guessed that when the dog saw the stick of dynamite being thrown by his owner he took off at a high rate of speed on the ice to dutifully retrieved the stick of dynamite–the one with the burning 40- second fuse.

The two men yell, scream and wave their arms in panic and wonder what to do now. Of course, the dog, cheered on by the antics of the men keeps coming so one of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots it. However, the gun is loaded with only #8 shot, hardly large enough to bring down a hefty Black Lab. Slightly dazed and clearly confused, the dog does stop for a moment but then quickly resumes his course back toward the men. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes very confused and is now terrified as well. It is also thinking that these two geniuses have gone insane, and favoring self-preservation, it alters course to find cover. Where, I hear you ask. Yep, it hides under the brand new Navigator as the now very short fuse on the stick of dynamite continues to burn.  BOOM!… Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and what’s left of both sink to the bottom of the lake in the resulting hole created by the blast as the two “Rocket Scientists” stand there with an “I can’t believe this is really happening” look on their faces.

The insurance company assures the hapless owner of the Navigator that sinking a vehicle in a lake using illegal explosives is clearly not covered in his insurance policy, and at the same time they also inform him that his first payment of $560 is due in 10 days!

So now how do you feel about the way your day is going?